Even with all the machines beeping and breathing for him and keeping him alive it never even once crossed my mind that it was completely possible that he might not ever have left that hospital room.
On my special needs journey I have encountered many parents who have lost a child. Some after just a few hours together. And it hurts my heart. And it makes me grateful all at the same time.
I am thankful for every second we have together because there are many families who are not as lucky as us.
Lucky. Us.
But I know it is not luck that has us in this situation. It is the Divine hand of God. And maybe that's why I never felt that he would die in the NICU. Maybe God never let me know that fear because it wasn't going to happen.
And now I need to trust in Him that things are going to be okay. This has been a rough time and I know I have not written much about what we are going through but I'm not ready to share right now.
But I will share that my Faith has been renewed and I am putting all of my burdens on God. This is something I have not done since Noah got his diagnosis. That diagnosis may as well have been a death sentence ringing in my ears.
I was mad. I was confused. And those emotions were directed at God. And it's okay to be mad at God sometimes. But it is not okay to stop praying. Which is what I did.
But in this moment here is my prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you.
It is a simple as that for me right now.
