What I Gained That Day

I feel weird writing this as if I lost a baby. I know I didn't lose anyone. He is still here with me physically. I have never buried a child or mourned over a tiny casket. But I did have a loss. And it is one that needs to be acknowledged. It is a loss that needs to be grieved so that the hole in my heart can heal.

I lost a son the day that Noah was born. I lost my ability to mother and nurture him the way I was meant to. I lost my power and control. But most importantly, I lost the child that I dreamed about in my womb from the moment I knew he existed. And instead I gained so much more than I ever could have imagined.

Two years ago at this time I was heavily pregnant with Noah and chasing a crazy 18 month old. If you would've showed me a picture of what my life is like now I probably would've freaked out and curled up in a ball in my bed and never came out again. I was not strong. I did not know I could be strong. In fact, I didn't know much of anything compared to what I know now.

In the last two years I have learned many things. Some things I have learned from books or from reading things on the Internet. Some things I have learned from other people. But a majority of things I have learned from my son. Not the son I dreamed about that would grow up and play with his brother and graduate from college and get married and have children of his own. Not him. I learned my most valuable lessons from my beautiful son that has never even said a word.

He has taught me to be an advocate for my children and I have found my voice for them when they cannot speak. I have learned how to be a better mother by growing my patience to wait and let them do things when they are ready. I have learned to appreciate the intricacies of pregnancy and the miracle of life because if one little, tiny thing is off it can change the whole outcome.

I have been broken for a long time from this loss I have felt. I haven't appropriately dealt with these feelings. And I haven't really spoken about them until recently. My other self, the self from two years ago, feels like a lifetime away.  I honestly feel like a whole different person and someone I never expected I would or could be. I have gained a whole new sense of who I am supposed to be, a new purpose, and a new life.

And it doesn't matter why this happened. And it doesn't matter why I feel this way. All that matters is that I feel it. And I'm dealing with it. In my own way. One way I'm dealing is to recognize exactly what I gained that day.