Birthday Letter...

To my precious Noah,

As I sit here on the eve of your 2nd birthday I am overcome with emotions. Too many to even count. I think back to that day 2 years ago and I just remember being so excited to finally meet you. I couldn't wait to see if you looked exactly like your big brother. I wanted to kiss your beautiful face and hold your tiny fingers in my hand. I wanted to breathe in that heavenly newborn smell.

You were born into this world at 5:33pm and that's the moment my life changed forever. You were placed on my chest for a brief moment before you were taken from me. A whole 9 months of you and I being "us" ended just like that. You were silent and having trouble breathing. I was in bed taking in the moment and thinking that the hardest part was over. After a few minutes I turned to my Mom who was at my bedside and I asked if you were okay. She said you were fine and then I heard your first noise. A tiny little squeak. Then the nurse rolled the incubator over to me and you had an oxygen mask covering up your precious little face. She moved the mask away, only for a moment, so I could see you for the first time. You were so beautiful. She asked if you had a name and I said Noah.

And then you were gone.

I will never forget seeing you in the NICU for the first time. You looked so tiny to me although you were a good 3lbs bigger than all the other babies there. I could only stand to be in there for about 10 minutes before I had, had enough. This was not supposed to happen to me was all I kept thinking. I'm supposed to be holding and cuddling and nursing you, my hours old newborn. Not staring at you in an incubator while you had machines keeping you alive.

It was all such a blur at the time. But now I can remember everything in vivid detail and I can't decide whether that is a good or bad thing. I suppose one day I will be grateful to remember everything about you, including the day you were born. But sometimes it feels like I am trying so hard to forget.

These past 2 years have seen a lot of joy and a lot of pain. Many struggles but also great achievements. I don't know of anyone that I could possibly be more proud of besides you, my sweet angel. I know we are right on the edge of doing some big things with you. You are showing us more and more every day about how smart you are and how much you know and how much you can do. You are truly the most amazing person I know.

Thank you for letting me love you imperfectly. Thank you for showing me how to be the person I am supposed to be for you and for your siblings, too. But most of all, thank you for being you. My sweet miracle, Noah Jack. I hope you have the best day followed by the most awesome 2nd year. Happy birthday to you, baby boy.

Love,
Mommy