Bonding

I will probably be judged in a weird way for what I am about to write but I don't really care. These are my real, raw thoughts and I know that many other parents of special needs children feel or have felt the same way I do. These things are not often said aloud because who on Earth would think these things? I do and you may, too.

The moment you find out you are expecting a baby you starting planning. From planning the nursery, to the clothing, you even begin planning your child's life to some extent. For many parents, myself included in this crazy little club, all of your plans go out the window the moment things go wrong. Your world has turned upside down and now the happiest day of your life has suddenly become your worst nightmare.

I have said before that the NICU experience is the hardest thing that a new mother has to face. Her precious baby being taken away just minutes after birth. It is hard. I keep saying that but I can't describe it any other way that you will understand unless you've been there. I have an app on my phone that has a forum for the parents of preemie babies. I was so shocked at multiple posts I've seen on there. One in particular really made me upset. The lady posted something about how she had a friend whose baby had to be in the NICU for 72 hours because the baby had jaundice. The lady continued to say that she told the mother to stop complaining about her NICU stay because "it was only jaundice and she was only in there for a few days." Seriously?! Now I know there are worse cases because I've been there, done that. But that woman knows how hard it is to have a baby in the NICU no matter what it's for or how long. I was so upset and I felt really bad for her friend that she was talking about. Anyway, my point about this story is that the NICU is a hard to place to live no matter how long.

And now to the real point of this post. Bonding. Since Noah had to have a breathing tube when he was first born, I didn't even get to hold him until he was 3 days old. 3 days. If he were a healthy baby we would have long since been home, changing diapers, breast feeding, staying up rocking him to sleep. 3 days. That is a lot of time for a Mommy to be without her baby. I will be really honest now and say that I did not have a connection with him. Yes, I knew that I loved him. Yes, I was sad and cried the first time I saw his tiny little body covered in tubes and wires. But I felt different. Maybe subconsciously my body wasn't ready to bond with him just in case something were to happen. I know this sounds awful. It is even harder for me to type these words. But this is how I felt. Now that I have had time to process everything that happened when Noah was born, I feel pretty confident making these statements. I know I am a good mother. I would do anything for my children. But I feel like, at that time, if I had felt the emotions towards Noah that I do now, I would not have made it through. I had too many decisions to make, too many things to take care of, too many things to learn. If my brain had allowed my heart to feel everything that I "should have" I probably would have had some sort of nervous breakdown and ended up in a psych hospital.

It has been a long process learning how to bond with my child. I can't do normal things like snuggle up on the couch and watch movies or take him to the play ground. Noah is different. Even though he is almost a year old, he is still very much developmentally like a young infant. We do a lot of singing and talking and tickling. That is what makes him happy. I also like to do a lot of his care when I can. Most of the time I have wonderful nurses here who do everything from changing his diapers to giving him his nightly bath. You could see where things could get a little fuzzy knowing who does what for him. When I don't have a nurse or I have a new nurse who hasn't worked here before, I enjoy spending that time with Noah doing normal almost normal things with him. I had a new night nurse last week say, "You take such good care of your baby. Sometimes when I go to work I don't even see a parent for my whole 12 hour shift." I told her that he's still my baby and I would be doing things for him, like giving him a bath and changing his diapers, even if he were healthy. Just because Noah requires a little extra work doesn't mean that I don't have to do it.

I really hope and pray that I do not become one of those lazy parents that relies on nurses to take care of their child. I can see where, after years and years, that this would become very exhausting. Heck, I'm exhausted now! But I don't want Noah to miss out on things and I definitely don't want him to feel like he isn't loved just because he has special needs. He is a smart baby. He knows his name and he loves to watch the show "Franklin." He knows when I'm not around and it would break my heart if he ever felt, even for a second, that I didn't want to take care of him. When we get to Heaven and I finally get to hear his beautiful voice, I want his first words to be , "I love you, Mommy."