Happy Trach-iversary!

A year ago today I stood in a NICU room in total shock. My baby was laying limp and a swollen from anesthesia. He was hooked to a ventilator, his life support. He had a hole in his throat with stitches in his chest. It was the most awful moment of my life. Worse than the day he was born and whisked away to the NICU without so much as a first cuddle or first kiss. All I could do was stand in the back of the room and cry. It was hard. I don't even have enough words to describe how I felt. I just know it was bad. It was a moment of knowing our lives were forever changed.

The only picture I have of Noah that day after surgery....

We had to learn a whole new normal. We had to learn how to keep our child alive. Here was this tiny, 20 day old baby going through such painful and awful things. And I was the one crying. Because I was helpless. Because I couldn't fix it. Because he's my baby and I couldn't even hold him. It was a hard day. And the next 6 weeks we spent in the NICU were hard. We were learning everything about his trach. Taking trach CPR class, doing trach care, changing his trach. It was so much to learn and take in but we just had to get through it to bring Noah home.

Finally home. 

Noah's first picture at home in his own bed.

It's funny looking back now because I remember when the idea of Noah needing a trach was first mentioned. I didn't really know much about them and had certainly never seen one on a real person in real life. I went onto the pregnancy forum that I used when I was pregnant with Noah and wrote a post asking if anyone had a trached baby or knew of anyone that did. I got a response back from a lady that said her cousins daughter had a trach and she's now 3 years old and running around even with her trach. My immediate response was Wait.... She took her baby HOME with a trach??!! I commented back something to the effect of "Oh I don't know if I could do that. I wouldn't want to take my baby home with a trach." As if I really has a choice. But still, it just goes to show that I had no idea what we were getting into.

Our life is so much different now and Noah's trach has moved wayyy down on my giant list of things to worry about. Noah's trach has saved his life. Obviously, he can breathe on his own now. But with Noah's disease, respiratory distress or illness can be a super huge, even life-threatening thing. So with the trach already in place, when things come up they are easier to troubleshoot and easier to treat. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he needs it for several more years, maybe even his whole life. And as sad as that makes me as his Mother, to know that he's always going to need some sort of medical intervention just to breathe, I'm really grateful to his trach for every sweet breath that he does take.

Happy Trach-iversary, baby boy! Hopefully not many more but we will celebrate this day as your opportunity for life!