Oliver

I write a lot about my struggles relating to Noah but lately I've been struggling to figure out Oliver. He is such a good kid. I mean SO good. He is beyond smart and very polite for being 2 1/2 years old. I love him to pieces and I wouldn't trade him for the world. But these days he has been very 2. And by that I mean "terrible 2." If you've ever had kids or been around young ones for any length of time you will know what I mean. It has been hard, really hard.

My 21 year old brain sometimes cannot comprehend everything that we deal with everyday for Noah's sake. I cannot imagine what it must be like for Oliver. For the most part I can say that he has adjusted quite well to our situation. He has never tried to do anything too crazy to Noah like pull out his trach or something *knock on wood.* He doesn't mess with Noah's machines or supplies, except to put on his gloves and mask and use the stethoscope to listen to Noah and make his official diagnosis that he sounds "junky." But there are days when we have a couple of therapists in and out along with the nurses that are here 24/7 and it really can be a lot to take in.

I have no idea what it is like to have a sibling with a disability. I have no idea what it is like to take a back seat to your brother or sisters needs. I will never know, I suppose. I just hope and pray every day that I can show him I love him and try not to do too much emotional damage along the way.

For now I will just respect his emotions and validate his feelings. If he's mad at me then fine, he can be mad but I still love him. If he's sad I will hold him. I just want to make sure that he knows he is important and loved and special.

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To my Oliver,

I have loved you since the very night I learned you were in my belly. The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. I cannot imagine not having you here with me and I love you so, so, so much. I am so sorry that things had to happen this way for you and your brother. We wanted to give you a sibling that you could play with, learn with, and laugh with for the rest of your life. Instead you were given someone so much more wonderful than that. You were given an angel named Noah Jack. You two are the perfect pair of brothers. You are so smart. You understand things that we teach you about Noah, his trach, his gtube, his equipment, everything. And Noah loves you so much. I love seeing his face light up when you are around. He really does love you, Oliver. And I know you love him. I am sorry that this is so hard on you, baby. I really am. I want your life to be easy but it never is. Not for anyone. And having Noah for a brother will prove to be the greatest blessing of your life, I promise. I know you are only 2 years old right now but I hope that when you read this someday you will know that I am right. And you will know that I love you. And you will know that I understand you and I understand how utterly painful this all is. I know it's hard. I struggle every day right along side you. But I'm still here. We're still here together. Please know that I love you with my whole heart. You are my world and I am sorry for every time that I have let you down. I want to be your hero. I want to be your shining light, your beacon to come back home to an open heart full of love. You make me want to be a better Mommy. I am trying. I am trying so, so hard to be the best person I can be for you. You are my world, please never forget that. I love you more than I can even express. You make me so happy. Please keep being exactly who you are meant to be. We will get through this together. I love you, Oli Bear.

           Love, 

           Mommy