The Birth Without Fear Blog has opened my eyes to the world of birthing that I had previously thought impossible. It has made me realize that I am just like these women. These women growing and laboring in love to bring their children earth side. I cry with every post I read because I know what the pain is like. I know how it feels to work so hard to bring your child into this world. And I also know the other side of when things go wrong. When there is something wrong with this precious creature that only moments ago was perfect and safe inside of your belly.
With Oliver, I was a week "overdue" and was scheduled for an induction. During this induction they placed a little pill-like tablet on my cervix called Cytotec, to help ripen and thin out my cervix. This medication is KNOWN to cause uterine rupture. It says on the package to NOT use on pregnant women. If I had known then what I know now, that little pill would've never entered my hospital room. Why on Earth would a doctor or nurse or anyone ever decide that it was okay to use that medication when it clearly states the risks of a freaking uterine rupture?! I just don't get it. On top of that, they gave me a sleeping pill since it "will be at least 8 hours before anything happens so you might as well sleep." Yeah right! I hardly remember my water breaking and the rest of my labor was such a blur.
The day of my first sons birth is so foggy to me and I am sad.
Then when it was time for my epidural [I was convinced in my own brain that I could not handle the pain alone] my blood pressure was dropping so I had to curl into the fetal position on the bed while they administered the epi. Can you imagine getting into the fetal position with a 40 pound watermelon attached to your stomach? No? Well, I did it and it was not fun or comfortable or very pretty looking.
Then he was born and I had a couple stitches (which I wasn't even aware of until I asked my doctor what in the heck she was still doing down there). He was brought over to me and I tried to breast feed him but I was still so, so tired and out of it from the sleeping pill. I had very little interest in my baby and just wanted to sleep. I handed him off to my Mom and drifted into Dreamland. Nathan changed his first diaper, and every diaper after that until we got home. Once I got out of my groggy state I was fine. I was breast feeding and learning how to swaddle him. I got up and took a shower. We went home and everything turned out to be fine.
Or so I thought....
I know now that if I would have waited I would have gone into labor my own. On Oliver's terms. Not mine. My terms were selfish. I was "late" and wanted him out. But is that really the best thing? I can't really say how it would've gone but I wish I would have waited. Maybe I would have remembered every little detail like I do of Noah's birth. Maybe I would have breast fed longer if our relationship hadn't started off so sleepy. Maybe. But who knows?
When I was pregnant with Noah I just knew I was going to have him early. There were 2 times when I was admitted to the hospital with consistent contractions but no cervical change so they sent me on my way. When I was truly in labor at 35 weeks and 6 days pregnant I just wanted it to be over. I didn't care if he was preemie. He's not that premature anyway. He will be fine, I thought. I hate that I thought that. I absolutely hate it. For months after he was born I thought it was my fault that he was in the NICU. That's what I get for being selfish AGAIN! I beat myself up thinking that he was safe in my tummy and I made him come into the world too soon when he wasn't ready. It was my fault. There were no other medical explanations as to why he couldn't breathe on his own so it had to be my fault, right?
This is why I get so upset when people try to make their babies come early. Or have c-sections at not even 40 weeks without medical reason. You never know what is going to come out even if you had a completely normal and healthy pregnancy. I've seen pregnant friends on Facebook bragging about the fact that they are getting induced early or saying their baby might come in 8-12 weeks. Just because you are considered "full term" doesn't mean your baby is done cooking. I would hope that the baby would stay in as long as possible. An estimated due date is called that for a reason. It is an estimate. A best guess of when your baby will possibly be ready, but it if takes a little longer, then that's fine too. Doctors are so quick to induce and they don't give you options unless you give yourself options. Please be informed about the decisions that your doctor is making for you. If you don't like that decision, then make your own. You have every right to refuse a medical procedure if you don't feel comfortable. And please think of your baby. I have named every pregnancy complaint in the books when I was pregnant. I know how miserable you feel. I have been there. Twice. Just please think of your baby. Don't you want that moment when they take their first breath to be something you remember?
I wish I remembered.
I was young and didn't do my research when I was pregnant. I was put through the hospital system just like everyone else but there are so many things that I wish were different. If anything, just go read a few stories on the Birth Without Fear Blog. Those stories are so empowering and fill me with a sense of pride when I read them. I am so proud to be a woman that can birth babies. It is such a magical and wonderful experience. Don't you want to do it right? Your baby is someone you love more than the whole universe. Don't you want to make sure that you do everything in your power to bring them into this world in the most special way?
The births of my two children were the most important days of my life. The day you birth your child will be your most important day. Please make it special. Please make it beautiful. Please be informed and understand that everything that is happening within your body is meant to happen. You can birth a baby. I believe in you.
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