Believing

Having a special needs child is all consuming. You spend every second either physically taking care of them, or researching the latest on their disease, or worrying about what to do next. You literally never get to rest. Even when you are alone for 5 seconds of the day, all you want to do is shower, or eat, or sleep. It is so tiring. Most of the time I'm too tried to pray. For a long time I was too mad to pray.

The fact that God, who loves me and only wants the best for me, made my son the way he is just seemed like a cruel joke. We didn't have answers for a long time either. We didn't know why Noah needed a tracheostomy besides the fact that his vocal cords weren't working right. We didn't know why he was unable to sit up, roll over, or play. We knew something was wrong but nobody could tell us anything more than that. It was beyond frustrating. How are you supposed to help someone when you don't even know where to begin? I honestly thought there may never be an answer.

And I was mad.

I was mad at the doctors who didn't even have a clue. I was mad at myself. He grew in my belly. Did I make him this way? I was mad at Nathan for not understanding me. I was mad at anyone and everyone in the world who has completely normal and healthy babies. I was mad at God. I thought I would never forgive Him. I would never understand why this had to happen to my child. If somebody punched your kid you'd be mad, right? I feel like Noah has been hurting his whole life and God made it happen this way.

Why?

And then I had a dear friend pose the question why not? 

Why can't we use this disease and Noah's struggles for the greater good. Not only good for ourselves, but for other people. Why can't people look at me, my family, Noah, and see such great strength and grace and faith? That is what I want to be about.

I made a conscious decision in that moment to believe. With everything I have. I believe. I have to believe. I have to know, without a doubt, that when Noah meets the end of his life here with us that he will go on to a place that is far greater than it is here. A place where he can walk and talk. A place where he doesn't rely on machines or medications to make his day just a little less uncomfortable. I have to believe. I do believe that he has a special place in Heaven that already has his name on it.

I believe that he was sent here, to me, to teach me this lesson. To show me what real sacrifice is about. To show me how to love unconditionally. He is my angel and I believe that he has saved my life the same way that I fight every day for his.

I love you, Noah Jack, my personal angel.